Keys to Healthy Relationships
Life is made up of relationships - some are nurturing and life giving, others are destructive and discouraging. Scripture commands us to walk in love with one another and to honor others above ourselves. But few of us have seen pure, biblical love walked out before us. Most of us struggle to grow relationally with spouses, children, coworkers, etc.
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All efforts to love another person must flow from a goal to advance the Kingdom of God in that person.
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The following tips are designed to challenge you in your approach to loving others and setting healthy boundaries when relationships are not mutually edifying. |
Tip 1 - Approach all relationships from a state of "fullness". As believers in Jesus Christ, our personal emotional needs must be met first in our relationship with Him. If we are in relationships looking for others to meet some "need" inside of us - God will allow us to be frustrated. Our approval, acceptance, validation and sense of personal worth simply must come from our relationship with God and God alone.
We become codependent when we look to other relationships to fill us with a sense of value and purpose. This affects our ability to love with purity in heart. That is why this tip is absolutely essential above any other tips in order to make the most of all relationships.
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Tip 2 - Pray and allow God to be Lord over your relationships. This is another vital tip that many of us fail to do. Jesus tells us that, as we abide in Him, we can ask Him anything and He will do it. God longs for us to have healthy, Christ-centered relationships. Even Jesus prayed that we would love one another and be one as He and the Father are one.
Inviting God to be involved in our relationships is one of the most important steps we can take. It allows Him to work in ways we may not even see. We must regularly pray for our relationships with others. |
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The Number One Key to Dynamic Relationships
We invite you to listen to the audio file below. This teaching, presented by lead counselor and coach, Jim Roberts, identifies what it takes for YOU to have healthy relationships. 
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Tip 3 - Be intentional. Strong, healthy relationships don't just happen. It takes time to build trust and it takes effort to keep the lines of communication open. If we claim to value our relationships, whether with God, with our spouse, with children, etc., then we must take intentional steps to build them and keep them healthy. This means setting aside regular "face" time. It means serving another in a way that is meaningful to them. It means looking for strategic ways to bless them and build them up. The more vital the relationship (such as marriage and parenting) - the more invested you need to be. Keep in mind, you will only get out of your relationship what you are willing to put into it. Don't expect a healthy intimacy and trust to be present if you refuse to make relationships a priority.
Tip 4 - Be willing to forgive. Nothing ruins a relationship faster than a spirit of offense and bitterness. Often times, we say we forgive - but in truth we re-enter the relationship with a hardened heart waiting to catch the offender fail once again. Can you imagine how miserable we would be if Jesus withheld His love until we attained perfection? Yet this is the very stance we take when wounded by others. Along with an offended spirit, we often carry a judgmental attitude once we have been injured by someone. We begin to look for and focus on all of their faults - and amazingly, we always find what we are looking for! An offended, judgmental attitude puts the other person immediately on the defensive. Neither party is moving toward the overall good of the relationship. Instead, it becomes about self protection, blame, and a stubborn unwillingness to let go of the past.
Tip 4 - Be willing to forgive. Nothing ruins a relationship faster than a spirit of offense and bitterness. Often times, we say we forgive - but in truth we re-enter the relationship with a hardened heart waiting to catch the offender fail once again. Can you imagine how miserable we would be if Jesus withheld His love until we attained perfection? Yet this is the very stance we take when wounded by others. Along with an offended spirit, we often carry a judgmental attitude once we have been injured by someone. We begin to look for and focus on all of their faults - and amazingly, we always find what we are looking for! An offended, judgmental attitude puts the other person immediately on the defensive. Neither party is moving toward the overall good of the relationship. Instead, it becomes about self protection, blame, and a stubborn unwillingness to let go of the past.
Tip 5 - Learn to listen to the heart. Intimacy cannot occur in our communication if we are not willing to share beneath the surface. Unfortunately in our culture, we have become so centered on "facts" that we miss the underlying emotions and information. We often argue about surface details and never get to the underlying issues that are creating conflict. Instead of fighting for YOUR "right" to be heard, try learning how to identify what the other person is feeling. If you are not sure, ask them. They may need to clarify what they really feel, but the point is, they will leave the conversation feeling heard. Be sure not to invalidate or minimize their feelings but rather listen carefully and base solutions on the real issues at hand. Listening is perhaps the most needed and least practiced skill in all relationships. Make a commitment to improve your ability to really listen.
Tip 6 - Learn to clearly express your wants and desires without demanding an outcome. Many of us are not truly aware of what we really want. Furthermore, most of us are uncomfortable expressing these desires to others. And ladies, just why is it we expect our man to read our minds??! We must develop greater self awareness and increase positive self expression to let others know what we would like, what we may need, or even just what we enjoy in the relationship. Note: Our ability to do this is dependent upon our sense of personal worth. At the same time, we can not demand that others meet these desires in order to "deserve" our love. Remember, that is why tip one is so critical. All of our needs must be met in Christ first.
Tip 7 - Speak to the potential of Christ in others. Walking in love calls us to generously offer encouragement and affirmation to those around us. We are called to build one another up, using our words primarily for edification and thanksgiving. Even when we do need to bring correction, we are called to "speak the truth in love". This means we are meant to call one another higher - not tear each other down. In fact, we are called to encourage one another daily. When you speak the positives you see in another person and their potential, you are speaking life. Who doesn't want this type of life giving investment in a relationship?
Tip 8 - Be willing to repent and seek forgiveness. Swallowing our pride is one of the best things we can do for our relationships. We are called to walk in humility, but often we are unwilling to admit and sincerely repent of our own errors UNLESS we feel the other person has done (or will do) likewise. Saying "sorry" is especially hard when we feel we've been wronged but the other person has yet to recognize or own up to their "sin". At times we may even feel that we are providing the ammunition for them to shoot us with later. However, recognize that your steps of reconciliation are efforts to sow peace into the relationship. You are only accountable before God to do your part. Romans 12:18 tells us that as far as it depends on us, we are to make efforts to live at peace with others. This does recognize, however, that not everyone will receive our efforts to which we must be willing to examine and redefine relationships.
Tip 9 - Redefine the relationship and set boundaries as necessary. Lets face it, sometimes even our best attempts to build healthy, biblical relationships are going to fail. All relationships require both parties to be invested for the mutual good. When harmful addictions, manipulation, control, or abuse is present - we must be willing to examine our involvement and perhaps redefine the relationship. At times, we may be called to terminate the relationship completely. Especially if the other person is unwilling to take steps to correct problem attitudes and behaviors. At other times, we may need to set (and live by) firm boundaries in the relationship. For example, this would hold true in parenting a rebellious teen. We may need to enforce clear and painful consequences in order to give every opportunity for course correction. In such cases, it may prove helpful to address these issues in the presence of a counselor.
Our personal growth in Christ is tested in the context of relationships. These tips are just a few practical ways to improve your ability to love others as Christ loves you. He is always our standard when it comes to walking in love, forgiveness and purity of heart.
Should you find yourself struggling in your marriage, with your children, or in other critical relationships, we invite you to call us. Our counseling or coaching services can help you improve your relationship building skills.
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Tip 6 - Learn to clearly express your wants and desires without demanding an outcome. Many of us are not truly aware of what we really want. Furthermore, most of us are uncomfortable expressing these desires to others. And ladies, just why is it we expect our man to read our minds??! We must develop greater self awareness and increase positive self expression to let others know what we would like, what we may need, or even just what we enjoy in the relationship. Note: Our ability to do this is dependent upon our sense of personal worth. At the same time, we can not demand that others meet these desires in order to "deserve" our love. Remember, that is why tip one is so critical. All of our needs must be met in Christ first.
Tip 7 - Speak to the potential of Christ in others. Walking in love calls us to generously offer encouragement and affirmation to those around us. We are called to build one another up, using our words primarily for edification and thanksgiving. Even when we do need to bring correction, we are called to "speak the truth in love". This means we are meant to call one another higher - not tear each other down. In fact, we are called to encourage one another daily. When you speak the positives you see in another person and their potential, you are speaking life. Who doesn't want this type of life giving investment in a relationship?
Tip 8 - Be willing to repent and seek forgiveness. Swallowing our pride is one of the best things we can do for our relationships. We are called to walk in humility, but often we are unwilling to admit and sincerely repent of our own errors UNLESS we feel the other person has done (or will do) likewise. Saying "sorry" is especially hard when we feel we've been wronged but the other person has yet to recognize or own up to their "sin". At times we may even feel that we are providing the ammunition for them to shoot us with later. However, recognize that your steps of reconciliation are efforts to sow peace into the relationship. You are only accountable before God to do your part. Romans 12:18 tells us that as far as it depends on us, we are to make efforts to live at peace with others. This does recognize, however, that not everyone will receive our efforts to which we must be willing to examine and redefine relationships.
Tip 9 - Redefine the relationship and set boundaries as necessary. Lets face it, sometimes even our best attempts to build healthy, biblical relationships are going to fail. All relationships require both parties to be invested for the mutual good. When harmful addictions, manipulation, control, or abuse is present - we must be willing to examine our involvement and perhaps redefine the relationship. At times, we may be called to terminate the relationship completely. Especially if the other person is unwilling to take steps to correct problem attitudes and behaviors. At other times, we may need to set (and live by) firm boundaries in the relationship. For example, this would hold true in parenting a rebellious teen. We may need to enforce clear and painful consequences in order to give every opportunity for course correction. In such cases, it may prove helpful to address these issues in the presence of a counselor.
Our personal growth in Christ is tested in the context of relationships. These tips are just a few practical ways to improve your ability to love others as Christ loves you. He is always our standard when it comes to walking in love, forgiveness and purity of heart.
Should you find yourself struggling in your marriage, with your children, or in other critical relationships, we invite you to call us. Our counseling or coaching services can help you improve your relationship building skills.
RETURN TO COUNSELING PAGE
RETURN TO HOME PAGE
